Microaggressions: They're not just for 'special snowflakes'

Today I got to thinking about microaggressions. For the uninitiated, these are small acts of aggression that may not seem like that big a deal at the time, but cumulatively turn into one big pile of shite that may well end up dogging a person's entire day/week/month/life.

You know how it is. You wake up late for work, your partner snaps at you, your kids whinge, your boss is a jackass, the bus driver is a rude git, that homeless guy blocks your way once again.

On its own, each little thing might not have bothered you that much. Two of them together starts to grate on you. Three feels like it's gonna be "one of those days." And the whole lot leaves you wanting to punch someone by dinnertime.

That's pretty much how microaggressions work. Death by a thousand paper cuts.
Now imagine that, instead of your one bad day, it's your week. Or your month. Or your year.

And instead of the alarm that didn't go off, it's the neighbour who sends you sleazy notes over your fence that let you know he's been watching you, and who urinates in his garden in full view of where you sit to work.

And instead of the partner that snaps at you, it's the boss who touches your backside repeatedly without consent, laughs it off when you challenge him, and you have no union or HR to complain to because you're freelance and you need the money.

And instead of the bus driver being a rude git, it's the man taking photos of women at certain sporting events (which you like to attend) without their consent and focusing on their butts, boobs and headless bodies, and you got annoyed about it a couple of times before but you never really thought about it much after that - except now it's happened to you too.

And then imagine that you try to tell someone from a group who doesn't suffer from these microaggressions. For example, imagine you're a woman trying to tell a man these things. And he says....

"Why didn't you report it?"
"Why are you making a big deal if you don't want to report it?"
"Why are you telling me if you don't want me to fix it?"

And you say "I did report the neighbour. I called the non-emergency police line three times and got a case reference number each time. They told me each time that they couldn't do anything. They told me I should just tell the man I have a partner. They sounded like they didn't really care and didn't really believe me. Oh, and yes it was another woman who fobbed me off this way each time."

And you say "How can I report him? I'm freelance. And skint. I basically have no employment rights. You think I can afford a lawyer?! I need this job so I just have to keep slapping his hand and telling him to fuck off and maybe one day drive a fork into his arm next time he tries it, but then I'd probably be the one charged with assault. And I've known this guy 6 years and, probably stupidly, am likely to make allowances for him because I know he's been through a lot of shit and he's just a different generation. And as a freelancer you never like to burn your bridges because people can make trouble for you."

And you say: "I'm telling you because I just need to get this out, need someone to hear me. It's called catharsis. It's called communication. It's called healthy. Also, I don't think this can be fixed. I know that the first woman who I knew who had an up-skirt photo taken and challenged the photographer, basically had him shrug and refuse to remove the picture from a public forum. I know that the second time I saw a photographer blatantly focusing on a woman's boobs, I heard other women making excuses for him viz "Well, you shouldn't wear a low cut top if you don't want people focusing on your boobs." And when it happened to me, I had neither the time, energy or resources to get into a fight with someone who could feign innocence, stonewall me, go on the offensive (how many sexist men love to do THAT when you call them out!) or spread the photo even further. I'm telling you because men need to know what other men do and what women put up with and exactly why we don't speak out."

Just for the record, the three instances detailed above all happened to me in the past year.And you know what the sickest thing of all is? I feel lucky that worse didn't happen to me.

So this is why microaggressions are not just "whining" of "special snowflakes" who can't take a bit of good ol' friendly "banter." 

They are constant, insidious violations of consent, privacy, bodily autonomy and personal safety. They happen to people because of their race, their gender, their sexuality, their religion, their class.

And we all need to take responsibility for them.

I shouldn't have to feel lucky that I didn't get raped, beaten, murdered, have acid thrown in my face.

NO ONE SHOULD.