Mental health & mental disability

(These are all direct quotes from people with invisible disabilities)

I always had a sense of being different, but as a child you don't know how to describe or express it. You just try to survive.

Even as a 4 or 5 year-old, I never understood why other people were so slow and eager to conform. I see neurotypicals as bovine, tedious and trivial. Other girls wanted to chatter and play with each other's hair--I couldn't see the point. Why would you waste time when you could be working? I was never a little girl who flirted or looked pretty to get her way. I cared about being complimented on my work, not my looks.

Adults and teachers often seemed stupid to me. I remember a friend in 6th form asking me "How does it feel to be smarter than the teacher?" I laughed and shrugged it off because that's what society teaches you to do. However, I've always felt like I had to really simplify things all the time just so other people could grasp it. I suppose others might feel like that with me and say, Maths or Physics, although I'm getting better at those as I get older. I always preferred English. My mind works in words, not pictures or numbers. However, if you think about it--words are pictures, and numbers can function as words!

I've always seen days of the week, numbers, letters and months in colour. People say "Oh yes, I do that too" but what they really mean is they associate colours with moods. Monday is NOT blue in my mind, however lousy people feel about Mondays. Monday is dark red in my mind. I don't know why, it just is. Wednesday is a good day for me not because it's 'hump day' or any of that neurotypical nonsense; it's a good day for me because Wednesday is baby pink and I love pink, purple and all strong colours.

I wish there was a purple number but there isn't. I love 8s though, because 8 is magenta in my mind. I met an autistic young girl and the first thing she noticed was that the room felt blue because of how the shades were pulled down and how they were catching the light. I felt like I understood her at that moment.

I think a lot of girls are on the autistic spectrum but because boys are noisy, violent and domineering, they get noticed first. I think there are probably just as many Aspie girls as there are boys, but because of male scientists refusing to recognise their own bias, girls don't get diagnosed until they are adults.

I know I'm on the spectrum but I'm NT enough to know that. I can translate between severly Aspie or Autie people, as I call them, and the rest of the world. Words are my gift, my chosen medium. I would always rather read than talk to strangers, I would always rather write than go to a big party. I love small gatherings with treasured family or friends. I can talk to a whole room of people, I can make small talk if I have to. However, I'm an introvert and these things drain me.

We all contain multitudes; I am Aspie, BPD, introverted, but I'm also loving, caring, have a fantastic memory and a huge sense of humour. I love to arse around, just like a kid. I may be 33 but I think I'm getting less serious with age, and I think that's what I need. I was so serious as a child. I had thoughts at age 4 that no child should have. At age 9 I cried so much once that I blocked the toilet! Now I'm two decades older, I can see that those were signs of, respectively, Aspergers tendencies, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I think a lot of mental health problems are caused by trying to live in the normal world.

Girls are presumed to have eating disorders if they're too skinny or too fat, but it could just as easily be Aspergers, ADHD or any number of mental health issues. The squeakiest wheel gets the grease in this world, so girls fly under the radar. Girls are taught at an early age that you either fit in, or you pay a huge, painful price. As a feminist, I strongly believe that autistic women melt down because they buckle under the pressure of trying to act "like other girls." When I was 13, I wanted to go to discos and kiss boys not because I cared about any of that, but because it seemed to be how you fitted in. At 15, I could see that getting drunk and smoking was a fool's game, so I did neither. When I got to uni at 18 and found that people could be genuinely nice, not just fake nice, I drank a lot and had a lot of fun, but I was also notorious for being volatile.

I'm lucky my old friends still speak to me. I was a messy, frightening person. My BFF said once "You are easy to love, but easy to fear." That really pulled me up sharp.

"There are actions that neurotypical people’s brains are doing in a very automatic and deep-seated manner; Aspie brains are doing the same actions but in a conscious, artificial way. 

For example: your digestion just works and you don’t have to think about it and it doesn’t tire you. But for us we’re doing it in a way that’s conscious and laborious. 

This is the problem in the research. I’m very self conscious about my learning disorder, my ability to read and take in things, and it makes me not want to contribute even though as an Aspie I want to read everything and take in everything on the subject." - Anon, woman with ASD